The Last Voyage of the Demeter Review
(No Spoilers)
Watched - In Theatres
Phone Time - N/A
OH Shit Moments - 1
Good Time Vs Run Time - 35/119
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WHO SHOULD WATCH?
THE LAST VOYAGE OF THE DEMETER IS FOR KIDS. If you've seen any hype about this movie you can ignore it. As a parent you may have seen the ads and thought that it looks scary and that you shouldn't let your kids watch it alone but I can assure you this movie is not going to scare any kids under the age of 12. IF YOU'RE A DIVORCED FATHER AND YOU ABSOLUTELY NEED TO TAKE YOUR KIDS SOMEWHERE THIS WEEKEND AND THEY'RE TOO OLD TO SEE THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES CARTOON, AND TOO OUTRAGED BY THE IDEA OF BEING SEEN GOING INTO A VIEWING OF BARBIE, YOU CAN TAKE THEM TO WHAT WILL NOW BE REFERRED TO AS "VAMPIRE BOAT" WITHOUT BEING ACCUSED OF NEGLIGENCE. The marketing campaign for Vampire Boat and all of the Dracula history would lead you to believe that this movie might scare your kids too much but WITH THE SERIOUS LACK OF BLOOD, GUTS, AND GORE, THE WORST YOU'LL SEE IS A FEW IMAGES OF SOME BLOODY ANIMALS.
If you're just a regular parent and your 16 year old's are driving you crazy then you can give them the opportunity to be rebellious without having to worry about them seeing anything too dangerous. Here's how:
You're going to tell them that they can go see a movie alone with their friends tonight. You're going to get them all in the car and on your way down you're going to be stern and insistent that they go see the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and forbid them from seeing Vampire Boat AKA The Last Voyage Of The Demeter. What's going to happen is they'll definitely not do as you ask because they need to make their own decisions. This will give them a bit of a thrill as the movie starts but they'll quickly realize that your concern wasn't necessary because this movie is only scary to their baby sisters. Then you can coax it out of them and if you laugh it off and ask how it was then they'll appreciate your lack of strictness and they might possibly have some trust in you the next time they get drunk and need a ride home.
Afterall this is just a movie which by the way is designed for frivolity with the actual movie starting 20 minutes after the time on your ticket. IF THIS MOVIE WAS GOING TO BE FOR ADULTS IT WOULD HAVE BEEN RATED R WITH AN UNSEEMLY AMOUNT OF GORE WHICH THIS MOVIE DEVOID OF.
If you're just a single dingle with absolutely nothing better to do this fine summer weekend and you happen to have eaten far too large of an edible then you might be in the proper head space to be suckered into some of the most obvious jump scares ever to be recorded.
CRITICISM FOR MOVIE HEADS
Vampire Boat has apparently been in production for a long time which is evidence of over engineering the special effects and that is clearly the draw on this one. You will find yourself wanting to see more of the vampire AKA Dracula but it really isn't enough to hold up the entire movie. ALTHOUGH THE CINEMATOGRAPHY IS PHENOMENAL, THE FATAL FLAW IN THIS MOVIE IS THE LACK OF WRITING, WHICH IS CONCERNING, CONSIDERING IT WAS ADAPTED FROM BRAM STOKER'S CENTURY OLD LITERATURE. The story and the plot had it's hands tied from the moment they set foot on a ship. The quarters are too small and too close to convince anyone that others on the boat didn't hear the most violent events taking place elsewhere on the ship. Most of the characters drew no emotion because we have zero time to get to know them except for some lousy exposition at the beginning. YOU CAN DEFINITELY STEP OUT TO TAKE A PISS AND NOT CARE WHAT YOU MISSED BECAUSE YOU'LL FIRGET ABOUT SOME OF THE EVENTS 30 SECONDS AFTER THEY HAPPEN ANYWAY. David Dastmalchian's ridiculous acting skills, Liam Cunningham's evocative passion, and Corey Hawkins surprisingly good English accent could not save this movie from the fact that it's trapped on a sinking story riddled with plot holes. ALL OF THIS BEING SAID, THIS IS A TEEN REBELLION MOVIE AND THEY WILL LIKE IT. THEY'VE RELEASED A BUNCH OF MOVIES FOR THE ADULTS THIS SUMMER SO LET'S LET THE KIDS HAVE ONE.
A WORD FROM THE EDITOR (ME)
Last week I wrote about the coming drought in the availability of movies and Vampire Boat is clear evidence of it. However, I was lucky enough to get an advanced screening of Gran Turismo and was conflicted on what to do with that information. THE WAY I SEE IT, YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE MOVIES THAT YOU HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO SEE TODAY, NOT SOMETHING BEING RELEASED LATER. THEREFORE, WHEN THEY DECIDE TO STOP BEING BABIES OVER THERE IN HOLLYWOOD AND RELEASE THE MOVIES THAT YOU WANT TO SEE I WILL REVIEW THEM. Gran Turismo is slated to be released August 25th so you can look out for the review then, until then we are going to have to make due with the movies that are available to us.
By: Nick G