The Equalizer 3 Review
Watched - In IMAX
Phone Time - 5 mins
OH SHIT Moments - 3
Good Time Vs. Run Time - 30 mins / 1h 49m
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SHOULD YOU WATCH?
THE EQUALIZER 3, AS YOU MIGHT EXPECT, IS NOT GOOD. THE ONLY ONES WHO MIGHT ENJOY THIS ARE THE VERY DRUNK OR THE VERY HUNGOVER. What you need to know is that the pillars of The Equalizer franchise have quite literally deteriorated leaving you with a phoned in excuse to see the beautiful coast of Italy and some very gruesome murders. I don't know if I can write this without spoilers because there are too many issues with the story and characters. SCREW IT, I'M GOING OVER EVERY SINGLE PROBLEM I HAVE WITH THIS MOVIE AND SPOILING IT. IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO HATE-WATCH THIS LABOR DAY THEN YOU CAN GO SEE FOR YOURSELF AND GET BACK TO ME ABOUT IT. IF NOT THEN YOU CAN SAVE YOUR MONEY AND WAIT FOR THE DAY AFTER YOUR BIRTHDAY WHEN YOU CAN BARELY KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN IN BETWEEN DRY HEAVES AND YOU ACCIDENTALLY PUT ON THE FREE SMANSUNG TV CHANNEL WHERE THEY WILL HAVE THE ENTIRE EQUALIZER FRANCHISE ON AN ENDLESS MARATHON PLAYING TO NOBODY.
If you want hateful spoilers then you can read on.
Imagine if Keanu Reeves was 70 and they were still trying to make John Wick 10 but also trying to convince you that he's not too old to be moving without a cane. WELL MAY I PRESENT "JOHN DENZEL WICKINGTON" THE SEPTUAGENARIAN THAT CAN SLOWLY MOVE UP A STEEP SET OF STAIRS AND MOVE HIS HEAD TO DODGE KNIFE ATTACKS THAT WEREN'T MEANT TO LAND IN THE FIRST PLACE. You haven't seen the man they call "The Equalizer" in 5 years but they're praying that your love for Denzel Washington, no matter how old he is, will help you suspend your disbelief for how he's not meant to be an action star anymore. He was too old for the first Equalizer but he managed to convincingly move like a retired killer with well thought out, slow motion killing that impressed us all, but you won't get any of that here. Normally, in the past, when they've had an action star become too old for the role but need one more sequel they would have this man become too weak for his challenge and have his young apprentice come to save him. They have multiple opportunities for this with Dakota Fanning and Gio Bonucci. First of all, when did Dakota Fanning become a shape shifter? I was convinced that she had become a literal troll in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and that her career as the cute blond was over, but suddenly she's back and finally suiting that incomprehensible adult attitude that she's had since Man on Fire. SECONDLY, GIO BONUCCI WAS A PERFECT CHARACTER TO GAIN SOME TRAINING FROM THE EQUALIZER AND COME TO HIS SAVING AT THE LAST MINUTE WHICH WOULD HAVE MADE THIS STORY MAKE SENSE BUT INSTEAD THEY MAKE HIM A WEAK AND INCAPABLE POLICE OFFICER THAT ONLY SERVES AS THE COWARD THAT THIS 70 YEAR OLD AMERICAN HAS TO SAVE. I suppose that would be cliché to save the old mans life so instead we're offered a divergence that simply doesn't make any sense.
Next, our bad guys are just full of problems. The younger brother who seems to be a completely inept version of his brother is somehow tasked with overtaking this one little town that seems to mean so much to the older brothers plans. The older brother is the head of the entire mafia in Italy and he sends this dummy to take care of the keystone part of his plan? The older brother also has these massive holes in his story. At the beginning he seems very evil and clearly deserves a vengeful killing from the equalizer but they immediately squander that opportunity with a fumbling of an epic scene. David Fincher once said "My job as director is to make fast events slow and slow events fast" which means slow down those epic moments that usually happen way too fast to feel as epic and speed up those insignificant moments that always seem to drag and make life boring. WELL THE MASTER DIRECTOR OF TRAINING DAY, ANTOINE FUQUA, DECIDED THAT THE EPIC MOMENT OF PUSHING A WHEELCHAIR BOUND OLD MAN OUT OF A WINDOW WITH A NOOSE AROUND HIS NECK AS THE MAFIA BOSS EXPELS THE POOR PEOPLE FROM THEIR QUAINT AND PEACEFUL BUILDING NEEDED TO HAPPEN QUICKLY AND WITHOUT DRAMA BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE CLICHE RIGHT? Not only does the intrinsic sense of evil get dispelled through poor directing but the story feels the need to fully explain to us this mafia bosses plan to take over the coast by razing the locals and raising casinos in FULL EXPOSITION, he simply meets his little brother in a church then explains his entire plan while riding away on a boat, thanks for the info guys but maybe you could take an interest in your medium of visuals and show me what this guys deal is instead of quickly telling me so we can get back to the senseless violence.
This brings me to the unbelievable fact that this movie got a 14A, the same rating as The Last Voyage of the Demeter AKA Dracula on a Boat. If this is 14A then Dracula Boat is PG, not even PG-13. I DON'T REMEMBER THE OTHER EQUALIZER MOVIES HAVING THIS LEVEL OF BRUTALITY, I THINK THEY DECIDED TO ATTEMPT AN R-RATING BUT SOMEHOW THEY WERE GIFTED A 14-A. THE LEVEL OF BRUTAL MURDERS THAT THIS SEEMINGLY REGRETFUL MURDERING EQUALIZER COMMITS IS ON THE LEVEL OF MOST HORROR MOVIES. If anyone that reads this has the time to rip the movie, swap out the soundtrack (which plays like a terrible 80's cop show), import any horror soundtrack, and sync it up to the vast amounts of blood that spill in this movie, you could have a movie scarier than Talk To Me. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT THE EQUALIZER IS A GOOD MAN AND ONLY KILLS BECAUSE HE HAS TO, WHEN HE'S SHOVING A KNIFE FROM THE BOTTOM OF A MANS CHIN UP INTO HIS SKULL WHILE STARING HIM IN HIS EYES AND ENJOYING HIS DEATH? Every single kill in this movie is brutal and could have made for a very thrilling action movie had there been any level of story telling that made sense but I guess brutal and senseless killing in an action movie is not cliché so we can feel free to implement it at any moment whether the characters motivation warrants it or not.
I'M ABOUT TO SPOIL THE ENDING
The worst problem with this movie is the story, it has no reason to be told and the holes they left in the plot are massive. Dakota Fanning's character is the daughter of a character that we forgot from the last movie and is the reason why Denzel involves the CIA in the events that are taking place in Italy. However, she plays a financial fraud analyst with the CIA and most likely would never be involved in a field investigation like the one that unfolds. They play this off as investigating the money and drugs being distributed by the mafia and that holds for some of the movie until they decide to have them start chasing the terrorists that the mafia are funding through the drug trade. They begin chasing the terrorists, who are actually bombing people, and then pivot back to the mafia for no reason other than a retired CIA agent told a financial officer and she told her inept boss. THEY DECIDE TO IGNORE THE TERRORISTS FOR THE SOLE REASON OF COMPLETING THE MOVIE. THEN THE MAFIA DON CAPTURES THE INEPT COP MENTIONED EARLIER AND FACES OFF WITH THE EQUALIZER BUT BECAUSE DENZEL IS TOO OLD FOR A SHOOTOUT, AND THE COP IS NOT HIS UNDERSTUDY, THE BAD GUYS ARE THWARTED BY... THE TOWN RECORDING THEM WITH THEIR PHONES, WHICH THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF ITALY FORGOT THEY COULD DO UNTIL THEN.
Which leads to our ending going out with a whimper when Denzel swiftly and silently irradicates an entire compound of Italy's largest mafia without sustaining one injury or even an enemy fighting back. The Equalizer attacks a compound of, what you would expect to be, at least 50 men and the highest of security measures just months after having been shot and walking around with a cane at the age of 70. This was the biggest problem I had with the movie, you aren't allowed to do that, he isn't a god, he HAS to experience resistance and hardship beyond regaining his strength from an injury. THE AUDIENCE NEVER FEELS ANY SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT OR VICTORY FOR A MAN THAT CAN KILL AN ENTIRE FACTION WITHOUT ANY PUSH BACK WHATSOEVER, WHERE IS THE JOY IN THAT? BEYOND THE SICKOS ENJOYMENT OF THE BLOODIEST AND MOST SENSELESS KILLS IN ANY MOVIE THIS YEAR (OUTSIDE OF HORROR). Denzel then proceeds to make the mafia don overdose on the drugs that the mafia had been buying from the terrorists which is a problem because the drugs themselves were never mentioned to have killed any character in the story that we care about, it's only implied that drugs are bad and the buying of them from terrorists funds terrorism but we were just told NOT to care about the terrorists. What appears to have happened in the making of this movie was a true fear of cliché. WHAT I MEAN IS THAT AT EVERY TURN THERE SEEMS TO BE A WEIRD AND AWKWARD MOVE THAT CAN ONLY BE EXPLAINED BY THE IDEA OF ANTOINE FUQUA AND DENZEL WASHINGTON BEING OVERLY AWARE OF THE CLICHES THAT COME WITH A THIRD SEQUEL ACTION MOVIE AND INSTEAD OF DECIDING NOT TO DO THE MOVIE AT ALL THEY DECIDED TO DO THE EASY VERSION OF A MOVIE INSTEAD. The drugs, the non-climactic ending, the lack of resistance for a 70 year old killer, the lack of relation we have to any of the characters, and the constant avoidance of cliché all make for a movie that simply exists so Denzel could enjoy the Italian coast for a year while they made the movie.
Nick G