Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny Review
Watch - In Theatres
Phones Reached For = 0
OH SHIT MOMENTS = 0
120 "Alright" Mins / 154 Total Mins
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The Dial of Destiny
brings you another Indiana Jones that YOU WON'T MIND WATCHING. YOUR DAD HOWEVER WILL LOVE THIS MOVIE and you definitely should take him to make up for whatever disgrace you put forth this FATHER'S DAY. In fact this should have been a father's day release. This isn't your kids Indiana Jones but it is your grandaddy's. That is to say your YOUNG KIDS CAN'T WATCH and your TWEEN/TEENS WON'T WANT TO WATCH but your dad and grandad will and they'll probably enjoy it. AS A DAUGHTER you won't hate this movie cause they have PHOEBE WALLER-BRIDGE KILLING IT as an admirable, intelligent, and charismatic adventurer and the plot isn't terrible. AS A SON you'll enjoy the action and THE PLOT ISN'T TERRIBLE. Also, don't worry about THE CGI MAKING INDY YOUNG AGAIN,IT'S NOT THE ENTIRE MOVIE. AS A SINGLE 50 YEAR OLD creep you can take your single 45 year old creep DATE and you'll both FEEL LIKE KIDS AGAIN. AS A FATHER you can enjoy AN OLD SCHOOL INDIANA JONES THAT ISN'T BEING MADE FOR THE KIDS BUT IS MADE FOR YOU. IT'LL MAKE US ALL FEEL FOR THE OLDER GENERATION in a multitude of ways.
SEE IT IN THEATRES, YOU WON'T REGRET THE EXPERIENCE.
Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny will make your aging, bad back, sore wrist, and limping father feel good about getting up on Monday to continue making money to support you cause you won't move out.
ADDRESSING IT'S LEGITIMACY:
In comparison to the other movies being made THIS DOES HAVE IT'S PLACE. If you look at JAMES MANGOLD'S DIRECTING TRACK RECORD we would all agree that he's the right man for this job and proved it. I walked into this movie EXPECTING IT TO BE TOTAL TRASH because SPIELBERG ISN'T DIRECTING and I was planning to write that but UNFORTUNATELY THAT'S NOT THE CASE. With Spielberg and Lucas still attached as executive producers this is still an Indiana Jones movie and NOT SOME IMITATION GRAB BAG BOUGHT AND SOLD IN A DARK ALLEY. This is still the Indiana Jones your parents loved but it's catered to them and not you so YOU MOST LIKELY WON'T LOVE IT the way they do, thankfully you can still watch it with them and YOU WON'T BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT.
ADDRESSING THE NEGATIVITY
I'm hearing some things about how "The Indiana Jones I knew wouldn't be so hard on those hippies" and this is "Toxic Nostalgia". I have news for you, YES HE WOULD AND NO IT ISN'T. INDY IS A VERY OLD MAN and when you get to be that age you have no problem with being harsh about the things you don't understand and the reality is that WE ALL WILL GET TO AN AGE OF MISUNDERSTANDING which, for your father, means HE CAN RELATE. Your dad or even your granddad have an attachment to Indiana Jones and his achy bones so don't call this "Toxic Nostalgia" when the old boys who still keep a roof over your head at 34 want an adventure for themselves. While we're on the subject of politics this has to be THE LEAST PREACHY SEQUEL to come out in a while, the POLITICS IS KEPT TO A MINIMUM and the adventure leads the way.
However, if we are being fair, this movie is NOT WORTH THE 7 IT'S GETTING ON IMDB. It has a MULTITUDE OF ISSUES and I'm going to DO MY BEST TO NOT SPOIL IT FOR YOU. THE DE-AGING OF INDY may not have been bad but CERTAINLY ISN'T GOOD. It's basically A MICHAEL MYERS MASK FOR HARRISON FORD, his mouth definitely doesn't move emotively and if it does it looks like he's holding in soup, it's kind of just a bad Botox job. On top of that HE'S STILL MOVING LIKE AN OLD MAN and it's not hidden too well which begs the question; If they're already covering his face, why not use a stunt man with mobility?
Also a 2.5 HOUR RUNTIME IS TOO MUCH for the 5th installment of a movie franchise that was sort of dead 15 years ago. I don't care how sentimental any of the players involved felt, you can't go 2.5 hours with ZERO OH SHIT MOMENTS. That being said I was ONLY MODERATELY BORED FOR A TOTAL OF 30 MINUTES SPREAD ACROSS THE MOVIE so they still manage to entertain somehow. This is going to be one of those "SICK IN BED CLASSICS" where you don't hate it but you don't care if you're sleeping through most of it. I bet many of you would let it play if it was on TV during the Christmas holidays and you're just waiting for your mother to finish cooking the ham.
Production companies have been neglecting certain sects of demographics for a very long time and Indiana Jones is one of many to answer that problem. Your parents and other OLD PEOPLE DESERVE TO HAVE RELATABLE MOVIES TOO and IT ISN'T ALL ABOUT YOU. How about you watch a movie they want to watch for once and maybe they won't complain so much when you make them watch an episode of black mirror which makes everybody feel like life is hopeless. YOU COULD BE ON YOUR GLOWING SLAB FOR HALF THIS MOVIE and still know what's going on while your parents won't notice your lack of interest because IT MOVES FAST ENOUGH TO KEEP THEIR ATTENTION.
EVERYBODY WINS.